Ben Sambrook

CLEFT

 

I can smell my self

I had a second phone call with the

maybe new ro    ommate

I’m cramping

it might be the         plan b

I got fucked tw          ice and

keep thinking a           bout having a

mama mia mom       ent

boyfriend’s date             cancelled and

it all went to hell             

wish i’d want to                   fuck that beautiful blond

if you had told m                  e not to

I say the right thi                ng at the wrong time 

i’m cramping

sometimes                           happens

when i’m turned                    on

I wasn’t turned on                  I was just

lifting weights

which is also sex                     y

and hurts just a li                     ttle bit

i don’t know

if i am allowed to                      say that

on account of

the implication th                       at some bodies

are bad bodies

which is a thing

I don’t believe

but who is disal                               lowing anything

i am doing

these days any                                 way

I’m a faggot no                                  t a child

nobody can tell                                  me what to write

in my poems

or what to eat

I imagine my m                                     other

to be saying that                                    thing

she didn’t actual                                     ly say

in her defense all                                     she said

this time was

will they take the                                           whole thing out?

I took plan b at 7                                         2 hours

instead of 48 hou                                         rs

so I could take an                                          other load and

you could watch a                                              nd press him

into me

I thought

why can’t I feel it

some people hav                                                  e scars that haven’t

lightened yet or w                                                  on’t

I think I want som                                                   e more

that is a disgustin                                                     g thing to say

but I haven’t said                                                       it

i’ve just written it

I let my brother g                                                         o

to Tennessee

we were in the m                                                           iddle

of a dark street in                                                           shaftsbury vermont

and he was bleed                                                            ing very slightly

from his hands

the car was bent l                                                             ike a

tin thing

the airbag was wh                                                              iter

than I thought it w                                                                ould be

I didn’t call anyone

we took him to the                                                       hospital

we got stopped in                                                the

dark downtown of                                                   bennington vermont

for having one hea                                                    dlight out

he looked sick like                                                    a

bug under a very

bright light

by the river I said t                                                       o you

we might have nev                                                     er broken up

and I am thankful t                                                             hat

I am a homosexual

you say I like anal

in a voice that mea                                                           ns

i do not like anal

COUPLET 

i want to

believe

in a

rarified

 form

above

 you

a halo of

 fruit flies

o to

soften

like the

imperfect

pepper

at the

bottom

of my

fridge

I like

 what is

 prohibitiv

ely

 unreprod

ucible

 

i like your

 eyes

best of

 all


your wound

in the shape

of a C

of a bite

of a moon

she has 

a plate  I

made

when I 

was two

 I’m 

cutting 

back the 

bitterswe

et in her 

connecti

cut back

yard

back 

then I washed 

the 

clams 

while 

sitting in 

the sink


today I am unnerved

by my own appetite

I used to

fit


I place

the slices

of pool noodle

over the sharp

edge of

the trellis

neon

green cheerios

at eye

height







it feels odd


to travel

the bulk

aisle with you

to say

my

cinnamo

n

our old 

domestic 

vocabula

ry

 

 

inside 

the

compost

 —  a

whole

fillet

 

 

squashe

d

 delicata

 

 

 

 

don’t you 

love 

when

the picture of you looks a little like me

I see 

your shin bone

glossy beneath

the

 gauze

I missed

 the part where

 they

closed

 you up

only one

 guest

allowed

 in

 emergen

cy

 

 

I am not

 your

 guest

I am

  outside ordering

calbacita

s

 

 

 

 

 

 

I watch skateboa

rders and think

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if i really wanted

 to

I could

 do that






I 

remembe

r jack

all cut up beneath 

the car

and 

wanting 

— 

boyishly

 —  to 

press

somethin

g of mine 

to

somethin

g of his

 

I

remembe

r jack

all cut up beneath 

the car           

and 

wanting 

— 

girlishly

 —  to 

press

everythin

g of mine 

to                            somethin

g of his

                           

I see 

your 

trellis

                        

slices of 

pool     

 

jack 

rolling off 

the top 

of the car   

absence 

of



calbacita

s

 

 

today I 

wasn’t 

like you

                                            a 

little

imperfect

         

an old

 

direction

 

a room 

for two


maybe 

while you 

were               getting stitched      

the moon    missed 

me 

he 

walked 

himself 

home I 

wanted 

to clean 

his pants 

off with 

my 

tongue

 

like this

 

are you 

looking

I wanted 

to watch 

the hole

on my 

own     

 

 

 

don’t I 

love      

calbacita

s

 

I felt like

the 

second 

to last lighthous

e keeper

at the 

last 

lighthous

e

at the 

end of 

the world

 

I would 

like to 

have everyone

’s

primary thought 

about me

be that I 

am good

 

 

 

 

in the 

produce 

aisle

trailing 

like your 

guest

 


in a forest of 

fruit

I see your 

shin

I see your 

shit

peaking out

 

my appetite


for

skateboarder

s

matt with

dickies below the waistline

and connor

with his black

nails 


I needed something of me 

back

I liked your eyes  — trellis — compost — I was not best 

of all

you weren’t at the part yet

where I wanted you to be


her direction — unnerved — 

ordering


Ben Sambrook writes poems as homo praxis in Northampton, MA. You can find part of him @ben_sambrook