Electric Blue

don't want to think back but it's so easy. it's either that or crafting future scenarios that might never

occur. could try to get lost in a book but that never really works. never been one to get swept up in a

story and lose track of time. one reads but one doesn't have the relationship to it that some of these

influencers would say that one could have. or not just influencers but other writers also. was this the

wrong thing to pursue? well, beats the misery of working in small restaurants without breaks and doing

doubles regularly and no vacations and the smells that lingers in the skin of line cooks all over the world.

but that was paid work. this is rarely and barely paid work. so perhaps it's not work and just a chore. it's

not a hobby. it's definitely a distraction. when one was younger and attached or younger and

unattached but down for just about anything any night of the week there was less writing but there

really weren't many more adventures and one is not the kind of liar to make up a bunch of stories for

anybody else's entertainment. no, that's what jokes are for. and those are sometimes tiny stories but a

lot of these are true-ish stories.


it's quite easy to fall for somebody for any number of reasons. one can be in love with the idea of

somebody or the idea of romance but not the notion of love. sometimes it's just a search for a bond.

friends with benefits but the benefits are care, concern, and. closeness — more than is usually afforded

most other friends, a partnership. some gestures may take place and one may be put into a priority

status as far as others are concerned but without all the emotions attached to the arrangements that

many other relationships have and yet it goes beyond the platonic. this can even be a hands off /

nonsexual bonding. well, in theory. hasn't happened yet in this life but maybe someday. there's no real

desire for more problems of the past.


the sensual is one thing and the aesthetic another. somebody can catch an eye for any number of

reasons. or one can catch one's attention or interest for another set of reasons: the emotional, sexual,

physical, intellectual, romantic, and reciprocal. so many reasons to bond or to want to bond. to have a

crush or a squish. even the platonic bonds are often tied up with these various forms of attraction.

perhaps there's no escape unless one is beyond even misanthropy and is absolutely a(nti)social. this has

never really been this one's case even if one does not enjoy most company. one doesn't enjoy most

things. one is anhedonic and a minimalist when it comes to all things including friends. although it can

be helpful to have a lot of associates and acquaintances. but this also sounds more careerist or even

villainous than the agonist of this diary would want to sound.


made it all up as one went along with another's plans. all here is the mind. the mind was made up during

the doing and not before. there was no preparation. one had to get going before the opportunity 

disappeared and this was the problem. this is quite often the problem. it will happen again. chaos loves

the excitement of impulsivity that slowly turns a sense of going with the flow when in reality, there is no

flow and there's not really any going except in circles or a spiral. no, loops. these things that are the

backbone of synth. these things that are now how one synthesizes emotions. keep going over it again

and again in little snippets. remix it over and over. a lot of repetition but never quite the same.


there is no escape so one might as well get used to living with both the truth and lies. neither are going

anywhere anytime soon. – swipe left. swipe left. swipe left – this does not mean that one needs to invite

in any more of either, though, nonetheless court either. of course, a little flirting never hurt anybody.

(this has not been proven to be correct at all. in fact, history would probably show that a fair amount of

flirting is not in deed harmless but that's a whole different essay or article to be written.)


used to have a lot of older friends and now one has become the older friend.


if one were so swept up in a story would anyone humor an old fool, middle aged fool, to play a bit of

make-believe? to be childish for just a bit? would this do anybody any good? is there power in a story?

power in pretending?


this is the moment of the wolf. a night to tear asunder the skin and hunt. to be as nature intended but

kept as a bit of a secret. to be without thoughts and feelings, only instincts. to run full throttle on the

innate. escape the trappings of the systems of humanity and what one believes that it means to be

human for one night. wolves have rules also but it's not as simple as the concept of the pack and the

alpha would suggest yet there's no democracy amongst this community. this family does not work that

way but it works. it works better than many other groups do and gets shit done. food and protection

and still some time to rest. nature doesn't make mistakes but God does. God has and will continue to as

long as anybody continues to pray.

in wolf packs, the alpha pair are simply the breeding animals, the parents of the pack, and dominance

contests with other wolves are rare, if at all.

how does this translate to one and another walking to nowhere in particular? conversation going

nowhere also? coffee gone cold in the paper cup. it doesn't. imagination might not be much help in

getting out of this situation but it might be what got one into it. what "creativity" went into the spiel

lead to this moment of manners and boredom? what made one or two think that there was a way to

evade the mundane? this is not a fantasy? and yet it's not horrible enough to be the sort of dream

that one has to wake up from. there will be no shortness of breath to force one back into the waking

world. one is stuck with lucidity. enjoy.


shit on the tip of a dildo from chasing an orgasm that isn't really that great anyway. it happens

occasionally. kills the mood completely.


it's not uncommon for mid-level management to say that the "team" needs to hit a homerun but is this

game really that important? and who are the power hitters? some such as this one is fine with getting a

walk and hope for the best. maybe an error or something of that nature and slowly work oneself around

the bases. maybe catch a pop fly and turn two. would prefer to play defense than offense, to be honest.

actually, which is easier?


"for fucking, [one] drew genitals on [the paper dolls] and rubbed the 2 lovers together passionately.

unfortunately, the romantic life frequently meant an early death since frequent drawing and erasing of

genitals caused the paper in the area of [the] lower extremities to dematerialize and tear which meant,

poor things, that some of [one's] favorite scoundrels had to have a funeral and be buried... " (Eleanor

Antin – Conversations With Stalin)


spent the better or maybe worse part of the day on the couch binge watching a show that was spun out

from a movie franchise. was not much of a fan of the movies but the show was somewhat better. yet,

binging is not a sign of enjoyment. it's merely a desire to get it all over with. enjoyable shows, same as

with the rare and precious enjoyable books, are savored slowly trying to always save a little bit more for



both leisure and work seem to take up too much of one's life.


the routine has its place. tedium will wind its way into some of the greatest of adventure. sometimes

these will be forgotten in those thoughts that keep one up at night and are further glossed over in some

of the best forms of entertainment and information. the little details of sitting down pissing and

brushing one's teeth still tired but running late for work. or the first cup / glass of whatever after work,

midweek, alone at the table, on the couch, at the café, or even at happy hour with the same people as

yesterday and last week and next week and so on and so forth and going way back. maybe time is a

circle. it is certainly flat.

 Kenning JP García is an Afro-Absurdist diarist and antipoet. Xe is the author Suffused (If and Only If Press) and With (Really Serious Literature). Xe is also an editor at Rigorous and Dream Pop Press.