I am gay at the cape cod dinner party.
I am asked of myself, I am asked of my research.
The table responds, “Wow, so fascinating! So timely!”
I am asked for my opinion on related topics.
I am disagreed with.
What do you plan to do with ALL OF THIS”
I say apologetically.
“I would like to
teach and live……
if the higher powers let me.”
I shrug. My palms hover over the salad
like some acetic usher.
“YOU SHOULD WORK FOR THE FBI.”
“Oh no, [cartoon scoff!] I would not.”
“No, you should! They could use you!”
(she is excited and confident and positively glowing!)
“You could change them from the inside.”
Change them from the inside……
Inside the FBI, floating around like
an undercover platelet.
An embedded microscopic bouncy ball bobbing off manilla folders, grey walls, secrets, suits, suits, suits.
I am inside the pink flabby bits of the FBI.
I am INSIDE a pore on J. Edgar Hoover’s classified nostril.
I feel cozy, and undetected.
I can really make a difference here.
I am the change I seek in the world.
I try to be clever, “I don’t think they hire socialist homosexuals.”
“Well, maybe they should!”
I stare at the leftover salad, only tomatoes left, only escape is to eat them.
Faith Lazar is a researcher and writer from Chicago. Faith graduated from Sarah Lawrence College in 2015 and is currently working towards a PhD at NYU.